I haven’t written anything heavy in a while so I guess I’m due. I’m hurting right now. I know I’ll get over it. I always do. But I just haven’t been able to shake this feeling all day. Maybe by writing about it, the healing process might be easier. We’ll see.
I had a wonderful conversation with my daughter this morning. I haven’t heard her voice since last April when I left Guadalajara. Here in Mazatlan I don’t have access to long distance phone calls, and my daughter doesn’t Skype. Finally, she suggested last week that I meet her on Google Hangouts. So I promptly downloaded the app, in Spanish, and began to familiarize myself with it.
I messaged my daughter that I was on and she called me. Of course it took two tries as I had to find the Spanish words to answer the call. But hopefully we will do this again soon before I forget entirely how to use this app.
My daughter had to tell me something she knew would upset me. I know how difficult it was for her. But I did have to express my feelings. She accused me of prodding her with a guilt trip. My reply was that if she felt guilt, it was her own conscience speaking to her.
This is where love comes in, more specifically, a mother’s love. My children know that I love them unconditionally. There is nothing they can ever say or do that will change that. There are no strings attached to my love. Of course, along with this, they know that if someone has to be hurt, it will be their mother. She is the one person in their lives who will always be there for them, no matter how much she has been hurt.
Is it because a mother carries a child in utero for nine months? Is it because she breastfed instead of bottle fed? Is it because she was a stay-at-home mom? I think that all of these are factors that certainly strengthen that bond.
I think back to my own childhood. My parents provided a safe and secure environment with love bouncing off the walls. Sadly my own children did not have this experience when they were growing up. My children often remarked that I was like a single parent to them. The three of us were a triangle, with my husband loitering on the outside. I feel badly that my children did not have the experience I had as a child. While they now have some type of relationship with their father, it cannot make up for time lost in the past. But I am happy that they do have some type of relationship with him today. I am a firm believer in the present and the future. While memories are nice, we don’t live there anymore.
I will be somewhere up in the sky a month from now en route to my daughter’s wedding. I’m feeling a myriad of emotions about this occasion. My daughter has done considerable planning and organizing to ensure that all the guests coming from all over Canada and the USA have an exciting and memorable time in Punta Cana. I am so very proud of her and all that she has accomplished.
I Love You Kimmy.